A Good Enough Mother by Bev Thomas

Author:Bev Thomas [Bev Thomas]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780571348404
Publisher: Faber & Faber
Published: 2019-03-25T04:00:00+00:00

As I walk to Robert’s after the session, the lie sits heavy on my chest. I turn the moment over and over in my head. I think of all the ways I could have answered the question. I think of all the ways I have answered the question in the past.

Sometimes it’s been buried in a series of questions that sound casual and nonchalant. ‘Are you married? Where are you going on holiday? Do you cycle to work, or get the bus? Do you live locally?’ The seemingly innocuous questions are all about power. One of my patients, Ellen Taylor, whose daughter was critically ill in hospital, was able to put it into words. ‘You know the terrible thoughts I have. The things I want to do to myself. The despair I feel. You know things my closest friends don’t know. You know everything about me – and I know nothing about you. I don’t even know if you have children.’

Sometimes, the question can feel more accusatory, as it once did in a mother and baby unit with sleep-deprived mothers. I was helping them develop sleep routines for their babies, a task that was challenging, given their own complex issues around attachment and abandonment. Trish, the mother who sat in front of me, had dark rims under her eyes. Her eyes swam in front of the charts I’d asked her to fill in the preceding week. ‘Do you even have a baby?’ she snapped.

Usually, questions that probe the personal life of a therapist are not searching for concrete answers. They hint at something more elusive. An unconscious search for certainty, safety and trust. The flesh and bones of real children aren’t the issue. It’s about being an imagined child. It’s about their own experience of being parented. The issue is more about their concern, their terror. Will you be there for me? Can you help? Can I trust you? Can you be a good enough mother to me through this experience? Will you let me down as others have done in the past? The rule of thumb is to understand the meaning behind the question. To use it in the work. To think beyond the pull to answer the concrete question. The rule of thumb is not to lie.

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